We always hear about mortifying sex-capades that happen to our co-worker’s ex’s mom’s great great step niece or nephew, so we chalk it up to urban legend and go about the rest of our day. Unfortunately for the poor souls involved, these top 10 horror sex stories have actually happened to living, breathing people.
10. The Quickie Stain – You get a nice quickie in while parked in the lot of a bank/atm before church service one Sunday morning. Unbeknownst to you and your quick draw partner, you’ve managed to get a nice wad of bodily fluids on your nice darkly colored dress, right where that mean old grandma that always sits behind you can see it for the entire service. Just your luck.
9. The Romantic Sweets Mishap – He decides to make you chocolate covered strawberries from scratch and finally use the rest of that whipped cream in the fridge. Perfect night in right? Until you take your first bite of the deformed chocolate covered glob and taste the Crisco he smothered the chocolate in when he melted it. But it’s fine, he can still lick the whipped cream off. As he explores your bod with his tongue, he mentions that the whipped cream tastes funny, so he flips the light on, only to find out that the whipped cream has molded…So you’re covered in green cream and full of baking grease. Yep, good night.
8. “I Been Drinkin…” – So everyone knows that drunken sex is not safe sex, but we don’t care, because it’s fun sex. I mean hello! Women are daredevils nowadays trying to keep up with Beyonce on the surfboard (see diagram from Cosmo) and Mimi on the shower rod, so a little intoxication is irrelevant with all the other dangers of sexual activity today.
7. Falling Asleep During – Many times, alcohol makes the average human being incredibly sleepy, but not so incredibly intelligent. The latter usually results in coming up with “brilliant” ideas, like giving oral or trying something new. The only thing is that the usual drunken individual ends up 3 seconds from REM sleep right before their buddy climaxes. Talk about perfect timing.
6. The Upper Cut T.K.O. – Some people like it rough, and others somehow find themselves in a rough patch unintentionally. Some of us less graceful and flexible folk have limbs that literally have a mind of their own. Which means, they shake, pop, and lock whenever the hell they feel like it. Unfortunately for the poor soul laying next to them, they usually wake up from a night of fun with a black eye and a knot on their head. Domestic abuse is real people.
Tune in for Part 2 on Thursday, where I tackle roommates, mistaken identities and naturally occurring bodily functions.